Processing...

So I have to speak in a little over a week and am trying to process my thoughts and thus spewing them into cyber space for a reason that I do not know...

Love.

Insert cheesy clip here:



So we are fed this lie right?  Over and over and over again.

• There is this person
• They are our other half
• we can't live without them
• They are going to fix all of our problems
• we can hurt them, cheat on them, lie to them, beat them up, ignore them, but they will never fail us, always love us, and pay no attention to the crappy things we do.

LIES!

Right?

Ummmm.  No.

This person who is meant to be our better half, and complete us while riding in on a white horse really exists.  This is Christ.  Our problem is not that our world has painted unrealistic expectation of love, it's that we try to get it from other people that are not Christ.

Christs Love is soo strong that it loves without condition.  We don't need to follow his commands, go to church, give to the poor, read our Bibles, or even acknowledge him to gain His love.  It's un gainable.  It's given, at all times, to every person.  Mormons, Athiests, Muslims, Democrats, Tea Partyers, Nerds, Communist, and even those westboro baptist people.

Look at Luke 15:11-32 Prodigal Son right.  I've heard this dens of times and always feel like I need to walk back home with my head hung low, just like the son in the story.   But that is missing the point!  The father loved him far beyond what he could have imagined.  When we turn to God we do not have to feel bound by guilt!  The father Loves us, and keeps no records of our wrongs agains him.  He is just happy to have us home.

BLARG!

Luke 23:34 Christ LOVED the people who were nailing him to the cross.  He LOVED them.  What!? Yeah, I know.
And for some reason when I have read this before it made me sad, and convicted me.  "Oh God, how could I have ever doubted that you love me.  Obviously you must if you were able to care for those that were killing you.  I'm sorry for being such an idiot."

Hold that phone. God's love is not there to make us take pity on our selves, or regret what we've done.  Christ came preaching grace and forgiveness.  Sure there are things we should not have done.  But what good is moping about it.  We are set free!

Bazinga

Student Teaching

I am tired.

Like, for real.

Much love though.

And that is so good.

Manning Up

(let me just start by saying I am not ranting on people for they way of thinking. I am actually looking at my thinking and then working backwards to try and find what it is that makes me think that way. This is exploration of my thought process (oh good grief that's scary) and how i arrive at the conclusions that I do... ok i might rant a little bit too)

I am great at shifting blame.

I can do it with anything, even if i am caught red handed it doesn't need to be my fault. I simply come up with a few reasons why I had to react the way I did and i am good to go.

Where does this come from? How did I get to be this way? It probably started as my younger brothers started showing up and I realized that if they caused me to do something I wouldn't get in trouble for it and neither would they. No matter how it started, I am now a justification master, able to realize that i have no control over what I do, it's all because of the circumstances I have been put through and now stand in. Any person with my life, my genetic makeup, in my situation would do the exact same thing. Just google it, free will doesn't exist and there are hundreds if not thousands of 15-35 year olds living off their parents buck while they drink mountain dew gaining copious amounts of self worth off of people replying to their controversial forum posts who will tell you that (to be fair their are a few well thought out people too, I think the ratio is .5 : 3,000). With definitive proof from the worlds leading whiners how can you argue with the facts!? I have no control over my actions and neither do you, neither does your kid brother, neither does that guy who shoots up his school, and neither did Hitler. It's Just the way we are.

When I wrestle with things in my life, decisions I have to make, the things i fall short on, the people I hurt, It's good to be able to take a step back and realize that I have no control, I was forced to be in the situation I am in, and the choices to be made are going to make themselves because i am only capable of making one. Life is a choose your own adventure book where they don't even print half the pages because they know, despite logic, you are going to choose to steal the pirates treasure instead of making friends with the merfolk.

Load of crap.

Though it is convenient for me to blame my actions on the circumstances and set wiring of my brain who am I kidding. We (and by we I mean I) need to man up and own our choices. It sucks, and it hurts. A lot actually. But we are the ones that make our decisions that impact our lives. I feel so weak throughout my day, how can i possibly be expected to deal with everything that is thrown at me and make the right decision every time? It's just too much, anyone in my shoes would cave, it is not possible.

It is possible. It just takes "too much" effort. It relies "too much" on other people. It depends "too much" on God, or maybe it's not enough. I have gotten to the point that i have taken several things in my life, thrown them before God, told him to pick up the pieces, and until then I am going to fail. If he cares, he will take care of them. So I have no choice what I do. I do what i told God i would do until he takes care of it, because he says he will provide the strength right? So he needs to tae care of it. It's his life after all, not mine. If it is so freaking important he can take it! I don't want it anyway, I didn't ask him for it, so i gave it back just like he wanted, and now it's like he just throws it in the corner with his dirty laundry.

Woe is me. This broken man who has been given the world and refuses to take it.

Making the Choice

Life is a series of choices. (unless you're a Calvinist). But for the most part people wont fight you on that. And although we may see some choices as small and insignificant, they can end up having a big impact in the long run (insert chaos theory here). This creates an area of unforeseeable change. Sure we made a choice, but how were we supposed to know this would come of it? Now here is where people will decide that life is unfair. It has dealt them a cruel hand and has no remorse.

Bah...

I could go off on that for hours, but that's not what this is about. This is about hard choices... medium... not the big huge changes that change you all at once, but the ones that are smaller that you have to make over and over again that may not really change you once or twice but when repeated will change you more than those big ones can. you trackin with me?

every day we get out of bed. That is the kind I'm talking about. You can stay in bed, lounge around in your PJs for the day and ignore the world and it will have a pretty drastic impact on your day, but not necessarily your life. That is until you make a habit of it and stop leaving your house altogether.

these choices can at first seem smaller than even that; who we choose to talk to, where eat, where we work, people you pass by, how you react to the people you pass by, giving a crap for the people you pass by, insulting the people you pass by. thats a lot of passing by. These choices are all small in and of themselves and may affect us and those we come into contact with for a day or only a few seconds, but when this behavior is repeated day after day, and these actions build atop one another, we know that this is going to affect the greater direction of our future.

If we don't take time to interact with people, we will never know them. If we treat them like dirt, we will view them as dirt. If we punch them in the face, we will be arrested and be given a restraining order.

Sometimes I put the blinders on and choose not to look down the long term road. I know it's there, and with every action I make i know that i am ultimately bringing closer my impending doom, but if i look upon my actions as isolated incidents, it doesn't seem so bad. There are countless things in every part of my life where the choices are made so quick that i barely take the time to recognize them at all, but I do (ok, maybe not all, but a lot of them). I see my ways become tainted; I keep my mouth shut as i slowly give myself over to cynicism, I continue to look at the street avoiding eye contact as I struggle to love people, I stop seeking after God eventually I don't care to. Meanwhile I (that is that little me that I know i am that sits inside my head) am just along for the ride, wondering how i arrived where i am, but still to callused and selfish to redirect myself. Everyday these choices are made, and the more you make in one direction the easier it is to continue on that path, and the harder it is to turn back. It's like a freakin KOTOR game! Only you can't restart.

I have seen people around me at point that i would hope i never am, but know if i continue, i will end up just like them. So now i am presented with not one choice, but many, over a long, long, long period of time. I would take any one big decision over these several smaller seeming ones. But these little in between ones are the choices that life is really made of, and if i choose to continue to ignore them, they will make me.

Life, Love, and my newly realized Stubbornness

I realize that I no longer know how to communicate with people. As a mater of fact I'm not so sure i ever did. People are all wired so differently, and for as long as i can think back on i have only put effort into viewing things through my own lens. This means i have not the slightest clue how other people are receiving what I say, unless they think and process just like me. When am I overbearing, when do I cross lines, when am i understood, I have no idea.

God has been smacking me in the face with so many different things relating to this lately. Now that politics are running rampant I get to have "discussions" with several of the most stubborn people I have ever met. People of unwavering devotion, who i view as blinded by their alliances. Shutting things out, leaving questions unanswered, or insulting opposing views. In their eyes they are justified, and in mine they fail to take many things into consideration.

In the midst of all of this I have slowly had it pointed out to me that i can be very much the same way with several aspects of my life. Most of the time i am not trying to be. I am justified in what i say, and what my opinions are darn it! I know i am right because of things i have experienced, how things have changed, and how things can be. These are all the same arguments used by the (in my eyes) crazy political people who fail to see the whole picture. So how do I change?

Also I have learned and now look at my inherent ability to make it sound like every comment i make i think is far superior to the ideas preceding it. When i give my opinion I think it is far better than the others therefore all of you should agree with me, and change your ways. This is true in part, I do think my opinion is, or can be better than that of others, or is at least equally valid, why else would i bring it up? Often I just want a reason for my opinion not to stand. I don't want to argue because i want to be right, I want to debate so I can better understand what is going on and adapt my views on things.

So how do I change?

How do I learn to communicate with people and love them more?

I want to blame all of my issues on others, and could easily point out that it is their problem that they misinterpret me, they have not had the same experiences so can't know what I know. They need to wise up and know that i know what i am talking about.

But these are all bunk arguments. Anything that i can say about another person can be turned around and said right back to me.

So how do i break out of my narrow minded thinking and acting?

The more important issue, how do i better understand people and get them to better understand me.

I feel self centered touting about people getting me, me, me.... But it's kind of a big deal in my life, granted there is probably a lot to be said if i were to more often just shut up and listen.

Climbing Like Kong

Day 2 (part 2):

Old Man In a Bird Suit

After the Sbarro adventure I was given the unique opportunity to see Mr. Letterman tape his show.  His guest for the night was the wonderful Richard Simmons.  He came riding in on a bike taxi wearing a shirt of red feathers.  I'm  going to have to find a video of it, because it really was beyond anything i can, or want, to describe

The Long way Home

We then headed towards grand central but swung by bryant park to see them playing old movies.  There were hundreds and hundreds of people filling the park, it seriously made me want to live there, this would easily become part of my weekly routine if i was near the city.

From there the Empire state building was spotted, and the idea was had to go find it and go o the top.  When we got there we were confronted by  nice lady selling tickets to some flight simulator.  Long story short she wanted us to pay $45  a piece to take a virtual tour of the city, and then head to the 86th floor for observation, the only perk was we would not have to wait in the line for 90 minutes.  We got to talking, brought up the fact that my partner in crime gets extreme motion sickness, and before you know it she was helping us sneak ahead in line.  

We were lead around the building through doors in the back, two security guards checked us for weapons but paid no mined to what we were doing.  W headed to the mens bathroom, asked where the line was to go to the top of the Empire State building and presto, we skipped though all the lines on the road.  Thank you simulator lady, wherever you are

Taking the first real bite

Day two (part one):

I woke up this morning to the sight of my three cousins screaming my name as they proceeded to jump on me with a giant green gorilla.  I then spent the morning with them on top of me watching sponge bob until Josh got his butt out of bed 3 hours later.  After walking the dog, playing with photo booth, talking out way out of swimming, returning a rental car (twice), and getting on a train, I had finally arrived at my destination.  The unbound, unsupervised, and unlimited adventure of New York,

We were so struck with everything there that we didn't even know where to start.  We walked from Grand Central to Times Square and proceeded to go inside of all the store i had wanted to find  so bad (all involving either candy, toys, or both).  We stopped in the median so i could pretend to be Hiro Nakamura screaming with joy as i had finally teleported, then we got pizza.

Preacher Dude:

In Sbarro this guy ended up coming and sitting next to us, talking about his career on the street, and how he has been making a lot of money from his act.  He pulled a dirty wad of cash, totaling maybe two hundred bucks, all of his money so far.  He then went of on the tangent of how he used to preach to truck drivers and ended up talking a million miles an hour about how he gives his 10% to God because he commands it.  He pulled out an old Gideon Bible ,i assume was from some hotel room in his past, and opened to the book of numbers.  He read a passage i can't remember that briefly mentioned money, and said that's what he bases his life off of.  He gives money to people, thus giving it to God, knowing that God will reward him.  It wasn't clear if he thought God was going to make him rich, or if he was planing on having thins laid up in heaven.  Josh couldn't get a word in the whole time until finally, preacher guy started seeing the women outside.

oh he was going off on how white women had no butts, and black women had great butts, and the women in the city were the finest in the world.  If only he could find one to marry him so he could spend each night with her.  He has a lady lined up of course, but she's not very good.  But one day, one day God will give him the money he needs to get a good wife.  Because all you need is money and you can get any woman that walks the streets.  That's all that any of them really care about.   

He went on to make comment after comment about how all women were prostitutes (putting it mildly) and it doesn't even matter if you have AIDS, as long as you have the money, women will take the AIDS along with it.

I just had no idea how to even chime in at this point.  The man obviously very confused, bitter up the wazoo, but still trying to cling to the basic truth of Christ.  He admitted that it was hard to 'stay away' from women.  And he wasn't about to go and hire a prostitute.  But one day God  would give him what he wanted.  And it is so easy for me to look down on him and see all of his faults and misunderstandings walking away cracking small jokes at his inconsistencies; But these are the same types of things that old me down.  I spend all sorts of time doing "great" things for God, giving him money, time, etc. then i stand in front of him wanting a cookie.  Not turkey, and not broccoli, I want a freaking cookie!  So much that i never even see him grab anything else, until he stops trying to hand things out.         So where's my cookie!